Rapelay is a Japanese video game, garnering a huge amount of attention because it is a rape simulator. As a woman, part of me feels like I should automatically be on the side of banning a video game like this (which has already been done in the US). The the other side of me says we have 14A games where kids pick up guns and mow down Iraqi’s…
So, why are we so much more bent out of shape about a rape game than about a murder game?
I’m never going to be able to answer that one. Also truly confusing to me is how much I want to play this game.
Theory 1:
I want to try to use a video game to figure out why (some) men want to rape.
Theory 2:
I want to use a video game to see how (some) men conceptualize women as ‘wanting’ to be raped.
Theory 3:
Like many women I do fall into that category of women who has a ‘rape’ fantasy. I should stress that many women have this a as FANTASY. There are some things that stay in that realm.
Theory 4:
As part of BDSM I have always wondered about playing a Domme that directs a male Dom on a Female Sub…
On that note I should say that the men at www.collarme.com have been boring me to tears… both as subs and as doms… any suggestions for a better pick up site?
It comes in waves, this semi-addiction of mine. It’s an odd paradoxical cycle: when men are readily available, I indulge, the indulgence leads to apathy, the apathy to abstinence, abstinence leads to absence, absence leads to anticipation, anticipation leads to availability…
And so,
I am browsing the online hook up sites again. Looking for that unique and interesting person, with every chance I will settle and be disappointed yet again. No, it is not a hopeful search. I could call Forty-Five, but I’m bored of him as well.
What am I looking for?
I have become discouraged with my search for the ideal Dom. It remains a possibility, but I’m branching out. What if I was the Domme? Many men have asked me.
I don’t want to be the whips and chains Domme. Not yet anyways. I want to know how that feels before I inflict it on another person. What I want in a sub is a Niles.
Yes, Niles:
A clean cut man who is happy to ’serve’, but does not want to be whipped or beaten. Although he may not object if I do. Someone to carry shopping bags, drive me around, give me a pedicure / manicure (well), wash my hair… and yes, I’d give him rewards.
Basically I like the ‘toading’ sub. If I wasn’t attached I’d be all over having a sub that would clean my apartment for me and do my laundry, he could keep a pair of panties (or nylons) per wash, or whatever his fancy was.
Trouble is, most subs, (as I am when I’m looking to sub), are looking for that sense of restriction rather than servitude.
I wonder if I’ll find what I’m looking for on either front.
I’m a good-looking, fit dominant man seeking an attractive and sincere woman for something long-term.
You are intelligent, down-to-earth, fun-loving, and have many non-kink interests.
You enjoy bondage, spanking, and the psychological aspects of DS.
We’re both seeking something unique and exceptional.
I’m a bit worried about the ‘fitness level’ I’m quite upfront in my profile that I’m a ‘curvy’ girl, I’m not quite plus sized (size 14). I go to the gym regularly, and I’m generally happy and confident with my looks. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll never be a size 2, and considering my appreciation of larger women over smaller women I make no apologies. That doesn’t mean that I don’t consider what men may be hoping for in their day dream mind.
He’s also looking for something long term. That’s not me. I’ve told him that, but he seems willing to try casual.
PD2: Darkdom68: Vancouver (across the country, says he travels to TO frequently), seems to have a sense of humour.
Likes: traveling, coffee shops and gambling
Dislikes: not listed
45, 5′10″ (suspect shorter), 170 lbs (looks heavier in the photo),
Describes himself as:
Fit, handsome dom. And yes I have pictures. Pls no headcases. If you need time with Dr. Phil, do that first before you contact me.
No doormats, that means you have a life outside of BDSM
jd
Non-local traveling is usually good, means no clinging, but it can be a pain if I have to cancel for ‘real life’ events, or if aunt flo is in town.
PD3: Gamesfreedom Local, ‘nice’ on e-mail.
Likes: not listed
Dislikes: not listed
42, 5′11″, 175 lbs,
Describes himself as:
Experienced Dom,firm and strict, yet interesting and eloquent, from Toronto, age 42 looking for genuine as myself person who crave control, who I can help to achieve all her wants and needs, no games, no b.s and no time wasting.
I came across this guy under another profile, we never met. I think he’s part of a couple and has a resort out in Sandlewood. I’m keeping him as a maybe for the resort. He also described himself as a ‘property manager’ and I generally don’t think much of that career. I need a Dom who is going to be able to follow me if I start down politics, religion or philosophy. But, if the resort is nice and he’s not clingy (due to having partner) then that could be good.
The “Potential” Subs
PS1: Citizensub: Mississauga (almost local), seems laid back on e-mail.
Likes: not listed
Dislikes: not listed
29, 5′11″, 180 lbs,
Describes himself as:
first and foremost i am here to make friends and i am a strong believer that any good relationship of any kind starts with a solid friendship. no matter who it is, a dom or a sub or even someone who isn’t that much into the lifestyle. in a perfect world i’d like to connect with with someone dominant but we do not live in a perfect world so i don’t keep my hopes high and i have very little expectations. my other interests include visual arts(painting, drawing, sculpting ect) it would be nice to have a bit more in common than just what we search for here on this site.
not here to play games. i take it quite seriously and hopefully will find someone who’s serious as well. a D/s would be perfect, something on a common ground. i’m not a party animal so that would include fetish parties as well. maybe it is not a big turn on but i want to honest and be upfront. i prefer more quiet and silent places:)
This guy may be so laid back he may not have a pulse. He’s also dressed like a frat boy in his picture, he’s attractive, but I’m really unsure.
PS2: Tristan01 “Ontario” – may not be local, very descriptive and thoughtful on e-mail.
Likes: amusement parks, fine dining, traveling, sailing, ass play, begging, body worship, bondage, electrical play, exhibitionism… very long list….
Dislikes: needles, fire and knives,
Super fit, 30, 5′5 (very short! Eek!), 165 lbs,
Describes himself as:
i am an attractive and extremely submissive open-minded male. i’m interested in all forms of Domination and submission ie, bondage, discipline, humiliation, forced servitude, cbt, ws, etc. i do recognise that my interests are entirely secondary to that of my Superiors, so i’m looking for the right person to give myself over to.
Ideally, i’d like to find a Dominant person to serve, please and worship; A confident person who knows what they want, and how to get it. Someone who knows the true value of a submissive and derives great pleasure from knowing that They have someone who will do virtually anything They want. Pictures furnished upon request.
This guy may be way too experience or way too short for me. He did send back a nice thoughtful e-mail on my ‘too experienced’ concern.
PS3: Aboy2please: Local, seems nice enough and eager to please on e-mail.
Likes: ass play, begging, body worship, chastity… long list (not as long as Tristian’s)….
Dislikes: not listed
Super Fit, 39, 5′8″ (shorter than me), 190 lbs
Describes himself as:
I am a 39 year old submissive white male from the Toronto area. I am told that I am very good looking, fit and muscular. But above all I am extremely sexual, obedient and eager to please a dominant woman. I seek a dominant woman to serve and to achieve mutual pleasure with. I recieve immense amounts of satisfaction by pleasing my dominant partner and making them happy (their happiness is my happiness). I enjoy such activities as oral servitude, anal play, spankings, cp, forced nudity, humiliation and domestic servitude to name a few). I do have some experience being a submissive but I understand that some sort or training/retraining is most likely nessesary for every new Domme/sub relationship. Hopefully I will be lucky enough to hear from you.
He’s not as descriptive as Tristan, still very experienced and says he would like to explore with an untrained Domme.
PS4: Adventerousezra: Local, very nice but undecided on e-mail.
Likes: coffee shops, museums, hiking, cross dressing, ojectification, serving as a maid/butler… (long list)…
Dislikes: clubbing
29, 5′10″, 200 lbs, looks fit,
Describes himself as:
I am a decent and polite guy that has no formal experience in the “alternative” lifestyles, but I’m here and I’m very open minded so please don’t hesitate to talk
to me.
I’m interested in experiencing different and new things. I’m open to a lot, so don’t hesitate to suggest anything.
These are but a few words used by others to describe me:
I really like his list, and he’s super polite on e-mail, he’s also into the ’softer’ side of Domme, but we’re both really inexperienced and it could be the blind leading the blind.
I’ve discovered a new site collarme.com. I really like that name, to me it implies a challenge that to collar me would be the triumph of my partner. That is what I want BDSM to be, a triumph of the dominant personality.
I understand that some women (and men) are naturally submissive, but I am not. I do not derive pleasure from pleasing others, I do not get pleasure from serving. Submission is an experiment for me. I want to learn what it feels like to submit. But I am not naturally inclined to. I need a Dom / Domme that understands this. That will thrive off of the challenge, rise to it and conquer it.
I met “Uberconan” on collarme. He seemed to have a good sense of humour, be well educated, and possibly pre-disposed to the challenge.
We agreed to meet, met, drank, walked back to his very nice condo. He is educated, articulate, sure of himself, but not over-confident or cocky. All good signs.
After a couple of drinks he had me lie down and try his ‘massaging’ sofa. Then, quickly maneuvered me between his legs, glasses, necklace, sweater, bra off. He began with my hands behind my neck. I liked this and found it hard to control. Especially as he would pull me off balance.
From there he proceeded with pain. He pinched my nipples (a huge turn on, especially followed by sucking), hit me with his belt, spanked me, struck me with a wooden rod, and slapped my face.
The wooden rod, especially on the feet was the big turn off.
I’m not entirely sure that any of these particular acts was a ‘turn off’. In the sense that they did not decrease my desire to have sex. However, with all pain and no pleasure they did not increase my desire for sex. Pain I have found out makes me want to retaliate. I want to hit the person back, a good reason to tie my hands (which he did). I am not motivated to please from the pain.
The logical connection that if I pleased him I may not feel pain was not distinct as I did not feel a ‘carrot’ with the ’stick’ so to speak. I was also worried about marks being left on my body.
If I think about it, I would rather have a man who ties me up and fucks me really hard, than one who slaps me around and can’t fuck.
Yes, that again was the other problem. I don’t know if it was performance anxiety, too much wine, or me not getting off on the pain. In any event he was not ‘up’ for the event. I have this huge bias against men who cannot preform on command. I expect a dominant man to be ever ready.
If a man is going to control me by threat, the threat of imminent forceful penetration over me is much more powerful to me than then pain. I am not threatened with a flaccid penis. If you want me to bend to your will an imminent fucking that I do feel I’m wet enough for will do much more than a rod to the backside.
All this being said I quite enjoyed being spanked, pinched, slapped and stuck although I do feel that I would rise to the occasion more should a carrot be dangled in front of me.
I’m not sure on a scale of one to ten how good of a lover I am, but I do know one thing when it comes to men, and that is blow jobs. I figure if nothing else then give them oral until they absolutely want to throw me down and pound me as hard as they can. I like it rough.
Fourty-Five is a stand-by, and always ready to meet my needs when I’m going round the bend. We agreed to meet tonight, he picked me up and took me to our usual hotel. I decided to do the school girl thing with him I found a dark kilt that was indecently short a little white top that left nothing to the imagination and a push up bra to push it over the top. All this was of course covered until we were in private.
The good things about Fourty-five is he’s black, he’s very strong and he likes to take me in every way he can. He still likes the novelty of a white girl and he really likes to be able to do me up the bum.
I was gagging for it so much today (literally) that I did some things that are ill advised and let him cum on my face and tits. I’ve let him cum on my tits before but this is the first time I’ve let anyone cum on my face. It felt so dirty and erotic that I pushed it further and had him take a picture with my cell phone. I wish I could post them here, but it’s probably against the guidelines, and photobucket does not like X-rated photos and my tits are hanging out.
I don’t know why this turned me on so much, but it really did. In the next round I had him cum on my face again and then while he was still hard I had him take a picture of me sucking his cock. I’m still turned on every time I look at it. There is something so erotic, I’m lilly white, and his big black cock looks like it’s not even going to fit.
I find the secret to good oral is a stable position, either bracing the arms over top on the bed or kneeling. I prefer kneeling. I’m still working on my gag reflex, so I’m not really able to give good lessons yet (anyone, want to practice?). I do know that if I control my breathing in short (not long) breaths I can take more. I’ve also heard that if you lie on the bed on your back, with your head hanging over the end, and the bed is of a height that the guy can reach in that position, then, that is the best way to learn to deep throat. I’ve never tried it personally.
On a side note I may pick up Fifty and Fifty-one very soon. I started on a BDSM site, in the interest of finding someone who will really tie me up and I met a couple where the male is the Dom, but the female wants to practice being a Domme. They promise to bind my breasts, tie me up, and stick his cock down my throat until I gag and slap my face. There may be something truly wrong with me that this has me dreaming about it night and day, but I’m in day-dream heaven.
That is the word that most partners use to describe me. They touch me and kiss me a few times and then usually exclaim “My god you are reactive! You really like sex!”. Well d’uh! I am, I love to be touched. I smile, I love to kiss, I love to give oral. I am in my element sexually. The other word I get is “fuckable”. This is good, and bad.
Things started as planned with Forty-Nine. I went to the hotel, knocked on the door and faced the other way. I placed my hand behind me because the cleaning staff were in the hall and he took me into the room, then blindfolded me. I appreciate his discretion.
Once blindfolded he took my bag and began touching me, and removing my clothes. Once naked he cuffed me with velcro clip cuffs that I could remove (also appreciated), grabbed my hair and kissed me forcefully. After this kiss is when I got my usual “reactive” comment.
He had me get on my knees and give him oral, and then pushed me face down on the end of the bed and took me from behind.
It was faster and with less bondage equipment than I expected (handcuffs only). After we each cleaned up in the bathroom (even with condoms, I like to clean up after intercourse) he lay on the bed and had me beside him. As he started getting aroused again, I was trying to touch him (this is what I mean by reactive, I enjoy touching, kissing, oral) and he uncuffed me. I was somewhat disappointed.
BDSM for me is about me being restrained and controlled. I know I am ‘fuckable’ as men put it, but I’m expecting a ‘dom’ to keep the series of events in check and in control, not hand it over as soon as they figure out I’m not clueless on the subject of what to do with the male body.
I gave him oral until he came.
By round three, I think he was simply happy to have a girl who was so into sex. He would have been more than happy to go straight to no holds barred sex. I had to ask him to “please, tie me up, let’s play with the rope (although it was velcro) you brought”. He obliged, but it’s not the same when the sub has to request the dom to do his role. I don’t mind if he’s making me beg…. in fact, please let me meet a ‘dom’ who actually makes me beg…. really…. for more than a couple of seconds. However, when I have to suggest he make it less vanilla… it looses the atmosphere. I know I am in control.
The sex was not bad I’ll give it a C+. He does have toys. The anonymity was kept. I’ll discuss it with him online and see if we want to give it another go. Why is it so hard to find someone to do this properly?
I attended my first Sex Addicts Anonymous online meeting after writing my last post. For those who think they may benefit from these meetings you can find them here: SAA Meetings. The meetings are closed, and are only open to people who are struggling with Sex Addiction, which I am seriously beginning to consider that I may be.
I was welcomed by a senior member. Specific details of addiction are not discussed and the SAA follows the 12-step model. Addiction is discussed in terms of “I’m a sex addict” or “I’m a porn addict” or “I’m a cyber-sex addict”. The SAA I found is overwhelmingly male. I expected this after some internet research which said that only about 20% of sex therapy clients are female, although some research says that as many as 40% of women in anonymous online surveys now consider themselves sex addicts.
I discussed my want to find some female support with the man who welcomed me to the SAA meeting and he suggested that I try SLAA online.
Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
Coincidentally SLAA had a meeting starting right after SAA.
The principle difference between SAA and SLAA is that SLAA includes Love Addicts as well as Sex Addicts. Or, at least this is my understanding. More women identify as Love addicts and I was happy to find that there were a significant number of women in the SLAA group.
First time attendees are encouraged to to listen the first time, which is likely what I would have done anyways.
The first of the 12-steps is admitting that you have an addiction which has made your life unmanageable. I am struggling with this step (I expect I will struggle with all the steps, if I make it past step-1).
I am not sure I have an addiction. I do know that it has not made my life ‘unmanageable’ at this time. I am leading a double life, I hide this from friends, family and work. But, I draw strict timelines, and association lines to keep it separate and compartmentalized. I do also recognize that this may be the acts of an addict and that if I loose my compartmentalization then my life would be ‘unmanageable’.
I guess the question is, does an addict need to hit rock bottom to become a recovering addict?
I was somewhat disappointed that no women who shared talked about sex addiction, the women who shared were discussing love addictions and stalking behaviour. I don’t think the 12-steps are possible without a sponsor, and to do this I think I will need a female sponsor that understands sex without love addiction.
I did commit an indiscretion while at the SLAA meeting. A man began to chat with me privately and I allowed him. I knew he was flirting and should have shut it down but I didn’t. I allowed him to call me after the meeting and he wanted phone sex. Fortunately (for us both I hope) I am not into phone sex, and he is not into actual sex. The good news is we couldn’t feed each others possible addictions. I did not report him because I figured I was in the wrong as well.
I plan to attend a meeting next week with less distraction.
I have had this craving to try BDSM for a very long time. My first real experience with BDSM was with Twenty-Three as our relationship was going south and I was trying to find new and interesting ways to have sex. A girlfriend introduced us to my first fetish club.
It was a grungy goth club the first floor was dance. The third floor was a small room with blacked out windows. There was a cross and a two benches. Nudity was not allowed, but some small electrical tape across the nipples counted as clothes. Couples would strap each other to the cross and be hit with whips or bend people over the benches and spank them.
My friend was dating the guy whose job it was to make sure there were no “marks” on the bodies. It was a really intense idea which was reduced by the sometimes hideously unattractive people who participated and the overall decay of the building.
When Eyes Wide Shut came out that was a huge drawing for me. I loved the rich atmosphere, the anonymity of it, the raw sexuality and the atmosphere of dominance rather than the direct physical control. I wanted to be a woman in a mask.
I tried some light BDSM with my current partner. I find the difficulty is that for me BDSM is about the psychological control. The creation of the atmosphere. This is impossible with someone who I know and love in our own home (or away from it). We can play rough, but its not the same thing.
My first successful BDSM experience was with Forty-Four. I agreed to meet him in a hotel room. He would be wearing a mask. I would then be blindfolded and follow his instructions. I enjoyed every minute of this. I still meet Forty-Four when he is available. I still do not know what he looks like. What is lacking with Forty-Four is the cruder BDSM elements. I’m not sure I want to have this regularly, but I want to try it.
My first failed attempt at BDSM was with Forty-Two. He was a nice older man who took the time to get a complete check list of everything I was and was not willing to try. He started off slow with nipple clips and then decided to have sex with me. The sex was bad. He could not get it up long enough to get on a condom. Sex is definitely part of BDSM for me. I want to be penetrated.
My most recent BDSM experience was with Forty-Seven we met the same day I chatted with him online. I went to his office and was very impressed that he had a wide variety of toys I’d never seen. He had velcro cuffs for my wrists and ankles and they clipped to a collar and a spreader bar. I had never played with any of this stuff. It was fun, but we were interrupted by someone coming into the office late. I was not seen but I left.
Tomorrow I am planning to meet a man who I have chatted with on and off online for a little over six months. He is from out of town. He promises toys, bondage, and to have sex with me while I’m tied up. We agree on safe sex. We have spoken on the phone and he sounds sane.
We have talked about limits, about my physical and sexual likes and dislikes, about how my body responds sexually and about safety.
The plan is to meet him tomorrow at a downtown hotel. He will phone with the room number. I will go to the hotel, knock on the door and then face the other way. He will open the door, put a blindfold on me and lead me into the room. I will then be “inspected”, my clothes will be removed, and I will be tied, maybe standing, maybe to a chair. He will explain that I am now here for his pleasure. I will have to service him orally while tied and be fucked while tied. I will have to ask his permission before I cum.
I am very excited, in high anticipation. My body is humming with the idea of being fucked like this.
I am also nervous. Many online hookups end up being men who cannot preform well sexually. As I’ve gotten into more of these relationships I’ve learned to look for confidence in the voice and that often seems to work well. He seems to have that. I’m worried that he may not be able to, but I hope he is.
I do find it a bit strange that my biggest worry is that he won’t be able to preform. I’m sure many people would think what about the fact that I’m letting a complete stranger tie me up and fuck me? Isn’t it dangerous? Sure it is. So is crossing the street. My philosophy on it is that generally men who pick up women online for these activities are into these things, not axe murderers. That thought is always in the back of my mind a little. One of our limits for the first time is that anything he binds me with I must be able to get out of if I want. I know this does not make it safe, but I don’t want to live a safe life.
The anticipation greatly outweighs the fear. Tonight and tomorrow I need to do my prep. This includes a bikini wax (most important), lip and eyebrow wax if needed, manicure, pedicure, shaving legs and underarms and a shower just before I go.
When does a lot of sex become a sexual addiction? This is the question I am asking myself. Do I have a high sex drive, enjoy sex, enjoy what life has to offer in the way of sexual exploration, am I simply very sexually free? Or, am I compelled, controlled by sexual impulses, headed down a path where my sexual urges will control my life. Where sex will come before friends, family, work and be my undoing?
Been There, Done That
The Case For: I Am A Sex Addict
I’ve been there, three time in the last week. Sitting on some strange hotel toilet, thigh-high stockings sticking to me, panties around my knees, trying to pee out the lubricant while some strange man waits in the next room for round two, three or four. I think these moments were the first times I really reflected about if I should be having sex this way.
Sex, this way is mostly anonymous in hotel rooms with men I meet online. I’ve been doing this on and off for four years now. I put up online profiles, some more risky than others. It’s not hard to find men who want to have sex. I have lots of choice. I could have sex every night of the week, a few times a day if I wanted to. I have slept with two men I met online the same day, I met them within hours of each other. I have made men wait weeks or months, watching them try to seduce me online, seeing how many desires and fantasies they will confess in the process. I have had sex with men at their offices, in their cars, outside, but mostly in hotel rooms. I’ve probably been to every hotel in Toronto a few times.
I keep finding and filling different fantasies. The first time it was simply about meeting someone online and having sex with them. That was back when internet dating was considered fringe. Then the profiles got more elaborate: I had threesomes, two women, two men. I wanted to dabble in BDSM, let someone take control and tell me what to do. I wanted to know what it was like to be a sex worker, so I made a profile for a Sugar Daddy and let a man pay me $500 to be the first man to have anal sex with me. Then came the anonymous sex. I still meet a man who tells me to go to a hotel room, I put on a blindfold before I enter the room and we have sex, this has been repeated for several months, I have no idea what the colour is of his hair, eyes, or skin. Most recently it’s about going deeper into BDSM, I let a man, a complete stranger, cuff me hand and foot in his office, to his board room table, and have his (and my) way with me.
All of the sex is consensual. All of the sex is safe.
I know there are risks. I know that I could meet a man and he could be an axe murderer, or he could rape me and he may have AIDS or other STD’s. I know that I could be found out by someone I work with and my career could be in danger. The one that I am most afraid of is that my partner would find out and be hurt more than I can imagine.
All of the men I have sex with are (or say they are) married. This does not make it right, but it does give me a sense of security that they have as much to loose as I do if we are found out.
I have tried to stop, but I get bored and then I go online and I start again. The basic problem with stopping is that I’m not sure I want to.
The Case Against: I Am Not A Sex Addict, Sex Is A Healthy Expression Of The Human Condition.
Victorian Classical Sex Art (Ironically the Japanese Classical was 'too graphic' for photobucket)
Sex Addiction can involve a wide variety of practices. Sometimes an addict has trouble with just one unwanted behavior, sometimes with many. A large number of sex addicts say their unhealthy use of sex has been a progressive process. It may have started with an addiction to masturbation, pornography (either printed or electronic), or a relationship, but over the years progressed to increasingly dangerous behaviors.
The essence of all addiction is the addicts’ experience of powerlessness over a compulsive behavior, resulting in their lives becoming unmanageable. The addict is out of control and experiences tremendous shame, pain and self-loathing. The addict may wish to stop — yet repeatedly fails to do so. The unmanageability of addicts’ lives can be seen in the consequences they suffer: losing relationships, difficulties with work, arrests, financial troubles, a loss of interest in things not sexual, low self-esteem and despair.
Sexual preoccupation takes up tremendous amounts of energy. As this increases for the sex addict, a pattern of behavior (or rituals) follows, which usually leads to acting out (for some it is flirting, searching the net for pornography, or driving to the park.) When the acting out happens, there is a denial of feelings usually followed by despair and shame or a feeling of hopelessness and confusion.
The things that I keep seeing that don’t ring true for me are:
an experience of powerlessness and compulsiveness leading to their life becoming unmanageable.
tremendous pain, shame and self-loathing
despair and a feeling of hopelessness
In most of the self assessment tests they also asked about depression, shame, pain, using sex as a way to escape from other life pressures or negative emotions.
As far as I can tell (and I think I am reasonably self aware) I don’t use sex as self-punishment, revenge, or feel negative about sex. I keep sex out of my job (online makes this easy). I enjoy and get physical and emotional pleasure from sex. While I have slept with sex partners that I didn’t think were “good” at sex and decided not to have sex with them again I do overall really enjoy the act of sex. I feel like an explorer opening up different ways to experience my body and different human relationships.
I acknowledge that I do fit a number of the criteria, I engage in anonymous and risky sex, with extreme frequency. I was sexually abused as a child. I have been in an abusive relationship. I seek out partners for sexual purposes. But is the act, or the frequency of the act alone an addiction?
I know that I can stop, for months, and I don’t think about it (it being online hookups). However I do get bored, and it does seem to fill a need. Is this ‘need’ an addictive need? Or, just the basic human desire for sex?
It is more than the basic desire, in so far as I have a loving partner, who although he fully admits to having a much lower sex drive than me, does have sex with me once every couple of weeks and is hands down the best lover I have ever had. He is willing to experiment and fill fantasies and we can talk openly, about most thing.
I am obviously hiding something, there is definitely a part of me that knows or thinks this is not normal. But, I don’t feel remorse, guilt, depression or any negative feelings from the sexual acts. The only guilt I feel is that knowing that this is not normal I do not want others who are not sexual adventure bed-mates to find out. Is this a high? It feels high, but there are no lows…. at least not as of yet.
Can I simply be highly sexual? If I take the lying and hiding out of it (which I realize needs to be addressed) is it necessarily addictive behaviour to have sex with many different partners?
